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THE WAHOO GAZETTE ARCHIVE Mike McIntee's popular Wahoo Gazette is archived here in the aptly- named Wahoo Gazette Archive. You can search by date, keyword, or show number, or even Dave's tie pattern (coming June 2012).
Billy Crystal; and Maria Sharapova. PLUS:The Pope’s Visit; a Ticket Scalper; Happy Old People; Great Moments in Presidential Speeches; a Top Ten List; and Chris Elliott and Gerard Mulligan spend time with the New York Rangers.
“ . . . and now, a man who has more ink than Tommy Lee . . . . . . . David Letterman!”
ACT 1:
I was just off in the wings during the ACT 1 awaiting my cue. I tried my best to follow what was going on out on stage in addition to rehearsing my lines.
This weekend Dave went to his son Harry’s first tee-ball game. It was all very adorable to see the young ones running around in their new uniforms and baseball shoes and caps and mitts. Harry is #4 for the A’s. He was playing the Cubs. . . I think. The game consisted of a lot of kids just standing around, and then suddenly it’s like an explosion with kids running around like crazy. This happened throughout the game. And then after the game, the coach called in all the kids, congratulated them on a great game, and told them there was no game next week and they should all meet again in two weeks. Dave thought this would be a good time to chime, “But aren’t you afraid with the week off the kids will lose their edge?” The coach just looked at Dave. At least that’s what it sounded like. I wasn’t near a monitor where I was standing.
A day after Pope Benedict celebrated Mass yesterday at Yankee Stadium. Dave saw this rather unusual advertisement. We watch. Announce: “Yesterday, Pope Benedict gave Communion to over 57,000 people at an open-air Mass. But, what made the event even more memorable was he replaced boring old Communal wafers with delicious Blazin’ Buffalo Wing Pringles. Just listen to what the Pope says about the snack chip with attitude!” Pope: “This new Pringles flavor is kickin’ with a buffalo sauce as fiery as it is fierce. So buckle up and get ready for a blazin’ ride, partner.” Announce: “Everything Pops with Pringles and Pope Benedict!”
In the skyline we see a man far too handsome to be a ticket scalper attempting to scalp a pair of tickets. GUY: “Pssst, Dude. Dude. Hey, dude!” DAVE: “Oh, this guy.”
Dave turns around. The guy reveals two tickets . . . two Super Bowl tickets . . . and tries to pawn them off. GUY: “I got two for the Pope at Shea Stadium.” DAVE: “Sorry, but the Pope was at Yankee Stadium and he left yesterday. Plus, you have Super Bowl tickets.”
Dave turns back around. GUY: “Psst, Dude. Dude.”
Dave turns. GUY: “Bon Jovi.”
This excites Dave and quickly reaches into his wallet to pay for a couple of Bon Jovi ducats. Just as the exchange is about to be made, the ticket scalper notices the police fast approaching. He screams, “HEAT!” and quickly scampers away before the sale could go down.
In a recent study, researchers found that people get significantly happier in their old age. The researchers have released this summary of their findings. Announce: “Contrary to popular belief, a new study has found that people get happier as they get older. Scientists observed that research subjects in their sixties were substantially happier than those in their fifties; people in their seventies are happier than those in their sixties; and by far the happiest people are people we observed were dead people.
A message from the American Association of Dead Persons and viewers like you.”
GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES Bush: “Man, you’re looking sharp.”
ACT 2:
While Dave is billboarding the show, he is surprisingly interrupted by our good friends, Chris Elliott and Gerard Mulligan. Chris leads, and is wearing a New York Ranger hockey jersey. Mulligan follows in his norm. So, what’s up?
Chris points out that Billy Crystal was invited to play an exhibition game with the New York Yankees as a celebration of his 60th birthday. Well, the New York Rangers extended the same benefit to Chris to celebrate his 30th birthday. Hoping a free lunch might be included, Chris jumped at the opportunity to play and practice with the Rangers. Mulligan tagged along. And lucky for us, they brought a camera man with them to record the happenings. We watch.
We see our costume designer Sue Hum tightening Chris’s hockey pants . . . a bit too tight, it appears.
We see Chris conversing with Ranger Brendan Shanahan.
We see Chris conversing with Henrik Lundquist and Fredrik Sjostrom.
With Scott Gomez.
With Sean Avery.
We see Chris kissing Sean Avery’s grandmother.
We see Sean Avery kicking Chris Elliott’s ass.
Funniest line in the piece: Chris Elliott muttering, “I do other things.”
One line I didn’t understand until I Googled it. At the end, Gerard Mulligan says they are going to Rachael Rays where Rachael is going to let him pour the EVOO. What is EVOO? For the answer, look it up like me. Or you can keep reading and I’ll sneak it in somewhere.
ACT 3: TOP TEN: Signs President Bush Has Too Much Time On His Hands – earlier tonight, our President made an appearance on “Deal or No Deal.” #7. Sits on the White House lawn and waves at cars. #2. “President is on the trampoline” isn’t Secret Service code. . . . he’s actually on a trampoline.
BILLY CRYSTAL:
Dave says Billy is looking good. Billy smiles and says that is one of the 3 stages of man: 1. boyhood 2. manhood 3. You look good.
Billy, a big Yankee fan, was not surprised that the Stadium was filled to capacity for the Pope’s mass on Sunday, explaining “It was Bobblehead day.” When Billy was flying in to New York on Sunday for the show, the Pope was being helicoptered in to JFK. There were 3 helicopters transporting the Pope. Billy guesses it was to keep the bad guys from knowing which one he was in. It sort of like 3-card monte.
Billy says it’s nice for the Catholic Church to have one, single leader. He adds, “Jews don’t have that. Their leader is the head of the Federal Reserve.”
Billy just turned 60 in March and to celebrate he played baseball with the New York Yankees. No, that’s not a typo . . . . he was 60, not 6. How old is 60? 60 is so old they understand “Spin and Marty” references.
Was Billy nervous batting against a young flamethrower? Billy says he wasn’t afraid of getting hit. The pitcher knew Billy would sue if he got hit. Billy says, “When a Jewish player gets hit in the leg by a pitched ball, they immediately grab for their neck.” We watch Crystal’s at-bat in the Yankee/Pittsburgh Pirate game. He takes a ball, he fouls one off, he swings and misses, he swings and misses. Not too bad. The one he fouled off went foul by inches. I think Billy’s excitement of getting a hit would have quickly turned to fear as soon as he realized he’d have to run. When I play softball these days, my first question is, “How do I get a ground-rule double?”
You can see the ever-funny Billy Crystal performing this weekend at the Borgata in Atlantic City. He’ll be batting clean-up.
ACT 5: Announce: “Tomorrow on the Late Show, Dave is joined by Helen Hunt, ‘Mike & the Mad Dog’s’ Chris ‘Mad Dog’ Russo, and musician Kathleen Edwards. If you only watch one show on CBS at 11:30, make sure it’s this one!
We’ll be right back.”
ACT 6: MARIA SHARAPOVA: Yowza! Dave has seen the best in showbiz make an entrance onto the stage of the Ed Sullivan Theater but says none can make an entrance like Maria Sharapova. Quite stunning is Maria.
Maria is a three-time Grand Slam champion. Whenever you hear that a tennis ace has won 3 of the 4 Grand Slam events, odds are the one event they did not win was the French Open. (The other 3 Slams: U.S. Open; Wimbledon; Australian).
EVOO stands for Extra Virgin Olive Oil.
Maria just turned 21 on Saturday. Answer me this: why does it take forever to get from 0 to 21, but overnight to get from 21 to 50?
This is going to be a busy summer for Maria Sharapova. In addition to the 4 Grand Slam tournaments, she’ll be participating in the 2008 Summer Olympic Games in Beijing, China representing Russia. But even bigger than the Olympics is her playing tennis with Dave and Billy Crystal to close tonight’s show.
ACT 7:
Maria, Dave, and Billy head outdoors to 53rd Street to play some tennis. Maria is serving against Dave. She is capable of getting a serve up to 118 mph. Tonight, she goes at about half that. Dave gets his racket on the serve and he takes that as a victory. Serving alternately between Dave and Billy, it’s obvious Ms. Sharapova will be going on to the next round. There’s not much competition here. Billy asks for his sporting tool of preference, a baseball mitt, and Maria serves another one up. Billy fields it cleanly.
And that was our show for Monday April 21, 2008.
You can stop the voting right now. We have our nicest day of the year and it was Saturday. Absolute perfection. Weather like Saturday’s makes December thru March worth it.
I was tending to my garden this weekend. I potted six impatiens and since I had six left over, found a place for them, too. I think I have the impatiens green thumb but now want to expand to other flowers. I’m also attempting a rose bush. Little red things are coming out of the stalks already. I hope that’s a good thing.
Earlier I was saying how I was busy backstage rehearsing my lines for my walk-on as a ticket scalper. I’ve learned from experience that if I am going to do something LIVE on the show and I have a free minute, I should rehearse. It doesn’t matter how few lines I have or what it is I have to do, rehearse rehearse rehearse. Rehearse everything, from pulling the tickets out of my pocket, to how I should wear my hat, to how I should look left and right while trying to get Dave’s attention, to how I should whisper loudly. Once I think I have it down solid, rehearse it 5 more times. And if I have another minute after that, rehearse it again . . . and then again. My short term memory is limited and I need to get what I have to do deeply ingrained. I know my limitations, and it’s important that I realize that my acting is very limited. Many years ago when I was new at this, I found myself feeling very comfortable before going out to do my bit of acting. I felt I didn’t need to rehearse anymore. I was ready. And then when I went out there . . . . oohhh, boy . . . I was not ready. Ever since, whenever I feel the slightest bit of comfort before going out, I get very nervous. For me, comfort is bad before going out. When I start to feel comfortable, that’s when I make myself rehearse even more. And if I have time earlier in the day, I’ll type out my lines. This way I will have read my lines, spoken my lines, and written my lines. The more ways I can experience my lines, the better.
And that’s a memo from Mike “Stanislavski” Mack.
Have you seen or heard about the Kobe Bryant/Nike sneaker commercial on YouTube? Kobe in his Nike sneakers stands in front of a speeding car coming right at him. Just as the 50 mph car is about to flatten the L.A. Laker, Kobe jumps up and over the car as it passes by. Dangerous? Yes, but don’t worry. The viewer is warned, “Don’t try this at home.” And “Just say ‘No.’” And “Don’t do drugs.” And “Cross at the green, not in between.”
Somebody somewhere thought this was a good idea. I hope he has a stack of “Get Well” cards for those paralyzed attempting this stunt.
Hillary Clinton . . . . Barack Obama . . . . John McCain . . . . . they all appeared on the WWE wrestling program last night. Who won? I don’t know, but the dignity of the office of President lost badly.
So why are our leading presidential candidates appearing on professional wrestling? Because a vote from a pro wrestling fan weighs as much as a vote from a Mensa scientist.
LATE NIGHT THE DAY THEY WERE BORN
Maria Sharapova was born on April 19, 1987. So, what happened on Late Night on April 19, 1987? Nothing. It was a Sunday. April 20, 1987 was a repeat. So what happened on Late Night three days before Maria Sharapova was born? April 16, 1987; Show #857 – Cold Open with George Steinbrenner and Dave in make-up room; Top Ten Ways that John Hinckley is making progress; Viewer Mail (fanfare with Elvis; Mermaid; and Bunnies); George Steinbrenner; Billy Martin; Dave feels old VT; and a David Sanborn solo
And that’s what happened on Late Night three days before Maria Sharapova was born.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Stormville, New York, it’s Danny and Daina Cocciardi.
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Billy Crystal; and Maria Sharapova. PLUS:The Pope’s Visit; a Ticket Scalper; Happy Old People; Great Moments in Presidential Speeches; a Top Ten List; and Chris Elliott and Gerard Mulligan spend time with the New York Rangers.
“ . . . and now, a man who has more ink than Tommy Lee . . . . . . . David Letterman!”
ACT 1:
I was just off in the wings during the ACT 1 awaiting my cue. I tried my best to follow what was going on out on stage in addition to rehearsing my lines.
This weekend Dave went to his son Harry’s first tee-ball game. It was all very adorable to see the young ones running around in their new uniforms and baseball shoes and caps and mitts. Harry is #4 for the A’s. He was playing the Cubs. . . I think. The game consisted of a lot of kids just standing around, and then suddenly it’s like an explosion with kids running around like crazy. This happened throughout the game. And then after the game, the coach called in all the kids, congratulated them on a great game, and told them there was no game next week and they should all meet again in two weeks. Dave thought this would be a good time to chime, “But aren’t you afraid with the week off the kids will lose their edge?” The coach just looked at Dave. At least that’s what it sounded like. I wasn’t near a monitor where I was standing.
A day after Pope Benedict celebrated Mass yesterday at Yankee Stadium. Dave saw this rather unusual advertisement. We watch. Announce: “Yesterday, Pope Benedict gave Communion to over 57,000 people at an open-air Mass. But, what made the event even more memorable was he replaced boring old Communal wafers with delicious Blazin’ Buffalo Wing Pringles. Just listen to what the Pope says about the snack chip with attitude!” Pope: “This new Pringles flavor is kickin’ with a buffalo sauce as fiery as it is fierce. So buckle up and get ready for a blazin’ ride, partner.” Announce: “Everything Pops with Pringles and Pope Benedict!”
In the skyline we see a man far too handsome to be a ticket scalper attempting to scalp a pair of tickets. GUY: “Pssst, Dude. Dude. Hey, dude!” DAVE: “Oh, this guy.”
Dave turns around. The guy reveals two tickets . . . two Super Bowl tickets . . . and tries to pawn them off. GUY: “I got two for the Pope at Shea Stadium.” DAVE: “Sorry, but the Pope was at Yankee Stadium and he left yesterday. Plus, you have Super Bowl tickets.”
Dave turns back around. GUY: “Psst, Dude. Dude.”
Dave turns. GUY: “Bon Jovi.”
This excites Dave and quickly reaches into his wallet to pay for a couple of Bon Jovi ducats. Just as the exchange is about to be made, the ticket scalper notices the police fast approaching. He screams, “HEAT!” and quickly scampers away before the sale could go down.
In a recent study, researchers found that people get significantly happier in their old age. The researchers have released this summary of their findings. Announce: “Contrary to popular belief, a new study has found that people get happier as they get older. Scientists observed that research subjects in their sixties were substantially happier than those in their fifties; people in their seventies are happier than those in their sixties; and by far the happiest people are people we observed were dead people.
A message from the American Association of Dead Persons and viewers like you.”
GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES Bush: “Man, you’re looking sharp.”
ACT 2:
While Dave is billboarding the show, he is surprisingly interrupted by our good friends, Chris Elliott and Gerard Mulligan. Chris leads, and is wearing a New York Ranger hockey jersey. Mulligan follows in his norm. So, what’s up?
Chris points out that Billy Crystal was invited to play an exhibition game with the New York Yankees as a celebration of his 60th birthday. Well, the New York Rangers extended the same benefit to Chris to celebrate his 30th birthday. Hoping a free lunch might be included, Chris jumped at the opportunity to play and practice with the Rangers. Mulligan tagged along. And lucky for us, they brought a camera man with them to record the happenings. We watch.
We see our costume designer Sue Hum tightening Chris’s hockey pants . . . a bit too tight, it appears.
We see Chris conversing with Ranger Brendan Shanahan.
We see Chris conversing with Henrik Lundquist and Fredrik Sjostrom.
With Scott Gomez.
With Sean Avery.
We see Chris kissing Sean Avery’s grandmother.
We see Sean Avery kicking Chris Elliott’s ass.
Funniest line in the piece: Chris Elliott muttering, “I do other things.”
One line I didn’t understand until I Googled it. At the end, Gerard Mulligan says they are going to Rachael Rays where Rachael is going to let him pour the EVOO. What is EVOO? For the answer, look it up like me. Or you can keep reading and I’ll sneak it in somewhere.
ACT 3: TOP TEN: Signs President Bush Has Too Much Time On His Hands – earlier tonight, our President made an appearance on “Deal or No Deal.” #7. Sits on the White House lawn and waves at cars. #2. “President is on the trampoline” isn’t Secret Service code. . . . he’s actually on a trampoline.
BILLY CRYSTAL:
Dave says Billy is looking good. Billy smiles and says that is one of the 3 stages of man: 1. boyhood 2. manhood 3. You look good.
Billy, a big Yankee fan, was not surprised that the Stadium was filled to capacity for the Pope’s mass on Sunday, explaining “It was Bobblehead day.” When Billy was flying in to New York on Sunday for the show, the Pope was being helicoptered in to JFK. There were 3 helicopters transporting the Pope. Billy guesses it was to keep the bad guys from knowing which one he was in. It sort of like 3-card monte.
Billy says it’s nice for the Catholic Church to have one, single leader. He adds, “Jews don’t have that. Their leader is the head of the Federal Reserve.”
Billy just turned 60 in March and to celebrate he played baseball with the New York Yankees. No, that’s not a typo . . . . he was 60, not 6. How old is 60? 60 is so old they understand “Spin and Marty” references.
Was Billy nervous batting against a young flamethrower? Billy says he wasn’t afraid of getting hit. The pitcher knew Billy would sue if he got hit. Billy says, “When a Jewish player gets hit in the leg by a pitched ball, they immediately grab for their neck.” We watch Crystal’s at-bat in the Yankee/Pittsburgh Pirate game. He takes a ball, he fouls one off, he swings and misses, he swings and misses. Not too bad. The one he fouled off went foul by inches. I think Billy’s excitement of getting a hit would have quickly turned to fear as soon as he realized he’d have to run. When I play softball these days, my first question is, “How do I get a ground-rule double?”
You can see the ever-funny Billy Crystal performing this weekend at the Borgata in Atlantic City. He’ll be batting clean-up.
ACT 5: Announce: “Tomorrow on the Late Show, Dave is joined by Helen Hunt, ‘Mike & the Mad Dog’s’ Chris ‘Mad Dog’ Russo, and musician Kathleen Edwards. If you only watch one show on CBS at 11:30, make sure it’s this one!
We’ll be right back.”
ACT 6: MARIA SHARAPOVA: Yowza! Dave has seen the best in showbiz make an entrance onto the stage of the Ed Sullivan Theater but says none can make an entrance like Maria Sharapova. Quite stunning is Maria.
Maria is a three-time Grand Slam champion. Whenever you hear that a tennis ace has won 3 of the 4 Grand Slam events, odds are the one event they did not win was the French Open. (The other 3 Slams: U.S. Open; Wimbledon; Australian).
EVOO stands for Extra Virgin Olive Oil.
Maria just turned 21 on Saturday. Answer me this: why does it take forever to get from 0 to 21, but overnight to get from 21 to 50?
This is going to be a busy summer for Maria Sharapova. In addition to the 4 Grand Slam tournaments, she’ll be participating in the 2008 Summer Olympic Games in Beijing, China representing Russia. But even bigger than the Olympics is her playing tennis with Dave and Billy Crystal to close tonight’s show.
ACT 7:
Maria, Dave, and Billy head outdoors to 53rd Street to play some tennis. Maria is serving against Dave. She is capable of getting a serve up to 118 mph. Tonight, she goes at about half that. Dave gets his racket on the serve and he takes that as a victory. Serving alternately between Dave and Billy, it’s obvious Ms. Sharapova will be going on to the next round. There’s not much competition here. Billy asks for his sporting tool of preference, a baseball mitt, and Maria serves another one up. Billy fields it cleanly.
And that was our show for Monday April 21, 2008.
You can stop the voting right now. We have our nicest day of the year and it was Saturday. Absolute perfection. Weather like Saturday’s makes December thru March worth it.
I was tending to my garden this weekend. I potted six impatiens and since I had six left over, found a place for them, too. I think I have the impatiens green thumb but now want to expand to other flowers. I’m also attempting a rose bush. Little red things are coming out of the stalks already. I hope that’s a good thing.
Earlier I was saying how I was busy backstage rehearsing my lines for my walk-on as a ticket scalper. I’ve learned from experience that if I am going to do something LIVE on the show and I have a free minute, I should rehearse. It doesn’t matter how few lines I have or what it is I have to do, rehearse rehearse rehearse. Rehearse everything, from pulling the tickets out of my pocket, to how I should wear my hat, to how I should look left and right while trying to get Dave’s attention, to how I should whisper loudly. Once I think I have it down solid, rehearse it 5 more times. And if I have another minute after that, rehearse it again . . . and then again. My short term memory is limited and I need to get what I have to do deeply ingrained. I know my limitations, and it’s important that I realize that my acting is very limited. Many years ago when I was new at this, I found myself feeling very comfortable before going out to do my bit of acting. I felt I didn’t need to rehearse anymore. I was ready. And then when I went out there . . . . oohhh, boy . . . I was not ready. Ever since, whenever I feel the slightest bit of comfort before going out, I get very nervous. For me, comfort is bad before going out. When I start to feel comfortable, that’s when I make myself rehearse even more. And if I have time earlier in the day, I’ll type out my lines. This way I will have read my lines, spoken my lines, and written my lines. The more ways I can experience my lines, the better.
And that’s a memo from Mike “Stanislavski” Mack.
Have you seen or heard about the Kobe Bryant/Nike sneaker commercial on YouTube? Kobe in his Nike sneakers stands in front of a speeding car coming right at him. Just as the 50 mph car is about to flatten the L.A. Laker, Kobe jumps up and over the car as it passes by. Dangerous? Yes, but don’t worry. The viewer is warned, “Don’t try this at home.” And “Just say ‘No.’” And “Don’t do drugs.” And “Cross at the green, not in between.”
Somebody somewhere thought this was a good idea. I hope he has a stack of “Get Well” cards for those paralyzed attempting this stunt.
Hillary Clinton . . . . Barack Obama . . . . John McCain . . . . . they all appeared on the WWE wrestling program last night. Who won? I don’t know, but the dignity of the office of President lost badly.
So why are our leading presidential candidates appearing on professional wrestling? Because a vote from a pro wrestling fan weighs as much as a vote from a Mensa scientist.
LATE NIGHT THE DAY THEY WERE BORN
Maria Sharapova was born on April 19, 1987. So, what happened on Late Night on April 19, 1987? Nothing. It was a Sunday. April 20, 1987 was a repeat. So what happened on Late Night three days before Maria Sharapova was born? April 16, 1987; Show #857 – Cold Open with George Steinbrenner and Dave in make-up room; Top Ten Ways that John Hinckley is making progress; Viewer Mail (fanfare with Elvis; Mermaid; and Bunnies); George Steinbrenner; Billy Martin; Dave feels old VT; and a David Sanborn solo
And that’s what happened on Late Night three days before Maria Sharapova was born.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Stormville, New York, it’s Danny and Daina Cocciardi.
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
ACT 1 • Show Open • Dave's Monologue Watch now • Pope Benedict and Pringles • Scalper with Tickets to See the Pope • Old People/Dead People Ad • Great Moments in Presidential Speeches
ACT 2 • Chris & Gerry at the New York Rangers Watch now
ACT 3 • Top Ten Signs President Bush Has Too Much Time on His Hands Read now
