" . . . and now, filling in tonight for Leeza Gibbons . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
Magician Week continues: Tonight we feature the Comedy Magic of Mac King.

And Dave's come down with the "magic bug" and has been hard at work perfecting his own signature trick. Dave picks up a magic wand and waves it in front of him. Through the power vested in him by the technical director, Dave and his magic wand create sparkles for the camera. Dave admits it's not much but he still working on it.

In honor of "Magician Week," we have put something together we call, "GREAT MOMENTS IN MAGIC"
Announce:

"For years, magician Harry Kellar delighted crowds by making coins disappear. No one ever knew where the coins went, until he died and the coroner found $9.23 in change up Mr. Kellar's ass.
This has been 'Great Moments in Magic.'"

"Here are the results of the CBS Exit Poll:
34% of primary voters said the polling place exits were clearly marked and easy to use.
6% did not bother to respond to our exit poll.
We now return you to Dave Letterman's Komedy Funhouse."

"Guam is located . . . uhhh . . . in . . . . it's considered part of the United States because, uhhhhh . . . ummmm . . . ..
This has been 'Getting To Know Guam.'"

ACT 2:
SMALL TOWN NEWS - tonight with some items from big towns!
-The Chicago Tribune (Chicago, Illinois): "Corrections and Clarifications: In Thursday's food guide, pecans were omitted from the list of ingredients in the recipe for peachy pecan pie."
-The Grizzly Weekender (Big Bear Lake, California): "Free 21 foot telephone poll."
-The Webster-Kirkwood Times (St. Louis, Missouri): "Officers raided an unsupervised teenage party. After sneaking up on the unsuspecting teens and scaring the bejesus out of them, officers notified the parents."
-The Detroit News (Detroit, Michigan): A job listing for a "Behavioral Health Nurse" - Requires "Bachelors Degree in Cursing."
-Inside Tucson Business (Tucson, Arizona): "Join the growing number of Tucson's most successful women business owners." Such as Travis Williams. - photo of a guy
-The Mountain Messenger (Downieville, California): a local cafe announces "David O'Donnell - pancake eating champ, ate four pancakes."
-The Leader-News (Greenville, Kentucky): a profile of student of the month: "Matthew Brooks - he enjoys riding his four-wheeler and collecting pieces of coal."
-The Tremonton Leader (Tremonton, Utah): "After her home was burglarized three times, Lisa Evans had had it. Evans help set up a video camera to help catch the crook but the suspect took the camera."
-The Benicia Herald (Benica, California): "A juvenile reported that 'Spiderman' stole his bat. The alleged offender was located. He was dressed like Spiderman, but was not in fact Spiderman."

ACT 3:
ASHTON KUTCHER
The ancient Ashton turned 30 in February. To Ashton, age is just a number. He thinks age should be determined by how much responsibility one has. He knows many 30-year-olds who are still children. Which reminds me of what my father once said to me when he was AARP-age. He told me he still feels like he's 18; it's just that he has a whole lot more responsibilities now.
Ashton is married to the lovely Demi Moore and he admits to feeling a bit like a third wheel when he sees Demi and Dave get along so well on the show. Dave suggests it may be because he has known Demi a lot longer than Ashton. Ashton married Demi when he was 25 years old. And how is married life? Ashton says he feels as if he has a whole lot more free time now. Back when he was single, most of his time was tied up "chasing ass." But he's Ashton Kutcher! How much time would that take? Now someone like me, "chasing ass" when I was single was like fishing in a fishless pond. It was 24/7 with no bites. For Ashton is must have been like guppies in a fishbowl.
Ashton grew up in the midwest. What was that like? He found that since there wasn't a lot to do, he and his friends did stupider stuff. In college, his fraternity house was across the river from the bars.

STOP! Stop right there, Ashton. You mean to tell me you joined a fraternity house that was on the OTHER side of the river from the bars? Stupid! What the heck do they teach kids in college these days? You join a frat that is right next to the bars; above it if you can find one. College kids . . . sheesh!

Every winter at college, it was always the question who would be first to attempt to walk across the frozen river. One year, Ashton took on the dare. Halfway across, the drunk Ashton slips and falls. While on his back, he decides to make snow angels. And then falls asleep. He woke who knows how much later but when he came to, there was nobody around for miles. His friends were supposed to be waiting for him but none were there. Nobody attempted to rescue their supposedly frozen friend. When Ashton got back to the house, he asked why no one came to rescue him. His friend answered, "Dude, I didn't know how thick the ice was."

Ashton's new film, "What Happens In Vegas" opens this Friday. Two in Vegas meet and get married that night. The next day, Ashton's character wins a $3 million jackpot. . . . and his new wife wants half.

Remember: what happens in Vegas . . . stays in Vegas . . . except for gonorrhea.

ACT 4:
And now once again, America's favorite humorist, Johnny Twain.
Johnny Twain sitting in his rocker.
Twain: "Oh, sorry, I didn't hear you come in. Twain's the name, Johnny Twain. With Mother's Day coming up, I've been thinking about my mother. She's over a hundred and still doesn't need glasses . . . she drinks right out of the bottle."
(rim shot)
"It wasn't easy being my mother. I was such an ugly kid, she had to buy one ticket to get me into the zoo, and another one to get me out."
(rim shot)
"I had a tough time. I was so ugly, my parents hired another kid to play me in our home movies."
(rim shot)
"And don't get me started about my wife. She's got such a big mouth, she could play the tuba from both ends."
(rim shot)
"My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdales. I bring her mail there twice a week."
(rim shot)
"Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife."
(rim shot)
"Good night, America."

ACT 5:
During the ACT 5, Johnny Twain sings B.J. Thomas' "Hooked on a Feeling." Not sure whose idea that was.

ACT 6:
MAC KING: The Comedy Magic of Mac King.
-Billboard in Las Vegas trumpet Mac King as "The King of the Afternoons."
-He performs twice daily at Harrah's Las Vegas.
-Mac King won the 2007 World Magic Award for "Best Comedy Magician" and is a former Magician of the Year.
Tonight, Mac turned a Fig Newton into a goldfish. I don't know how he did it. Great trick, but what a waste of a good Fig Newton.
He then turns a carrot sliver into a goldfish. Now that is what I consider a good use of a carrot.
Next, he places a brown grocery bag over his head . . . and then smashes the bag down to his shoulders with his hands. Somehow his head disappeared.
No fish or heads were harmed in tonight's performance.

ACT 7:
STEVE WINWOOD: From his new CD, "Nine Lives," the Rock & Roll Hall of Famer performed "Dirty City."

And that was our show for May 6, 2008.



How hard is it to learn how to give manicures? My girls will be reaching the age where they'll be wanting them and I think if I learn how to do it I can save some money. Plus, I can catch up on all the local gossip. Would it be worth learning? I already have a Brookstone kit in the house somewhere.

In Sunday's New York Post, columnist Phil Mushnick praised Guardian Angel and radio talk show host Curtis Sliwa for slamming John McCain, Hillary Clinton, and Barack Obama for selling themselves to the WWE professional wrestling organization by appearing on their "Monday Night Raw" show. Mushnick wrote how Sliwa showed more common sense than any of the three Presidential candidates. The WWE is drunk with steroid use and portrays women and foreigners and, heck, just about everybody, in the worst stereotypical fashion. Yet, there was McCain, Clinton, and Obama jumping on board and setting sail on that polluted river. http://www.nypost.com/seven/05042008/tv/primetime_109161.htm?page=2 And what baffled Mr. Mushnick even more was the silence from journalists, columnists, TV pundits, and radio talk show hosts. Where is everybody? Doesn't anybody believe the Office of the United States President to be above the gutter of the WWE?
Mr. Mushnick does; Curtis Sliwa does; and so does the Wahoo Gazette. From April 21, 2008 Wahoo:

"Hillary Clinton . . . . Barack Obama . . . . John McCain . . . . . they all appeared on the WWE wrestling program last night. Who won? I don't know, but the dignity of the office of President lost badly.
So why are our leading presidential candidates appearing on professional wrestling? Because a vote from a pro wrestling fan weighs as much as a vote from a Mensa scientist."

And then I find out that Greg Evans has a website. I checked it out. He spouts how proud he is to have received a cameo mention in the Wahoo Gazette. I was happy to read the shout out. I peruse some more. Down along the right side is a list entitled "Blogs and Such Which I Frequent." It is a list of 50 blogs and websites Greg Evans likes to read. The Wahoo Gazette is not one of them. Can you believe it? Greg Evans claims to be a fan of David Letterman since his daytime show back in 1980, so how can he not frequent the Wahoo Gazette? It makes no sense. He mentions Dave Yoder's Letterman website. He does not mention the Wahoo Gazette. Misdirected energy, I say.
And what hurts even more . . . . . Greg Evans writes about his Cameo Mention in the Wahoo Gazette . . . and it receives no comments from his readers . . . if he HAS any readers!
http://www.gsevans.com/blog/
The Wahoo Cameo Committee is presently considering rescinding Mr. Evans' Cameo Mention.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
The limo ladies.
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER